It has been a while since I have tested my hand at writing a blog. In the interim, I have come to a few "profound" realisations, awakenings, or what you might call remembering's as such of what I already knew.
Before we dive deep, let me say with full disclosure that moving back to New Zealand after 9 years away was a journey (one of those ones where you lose the map!) I underestimated the magnitude of what I was letting go of and how it would affect me. In saying that, as I pop my head out the other side of it all 6 month later. Every storm was needed, every unexpected wave a Godsend to steer me in the right direction. Despite the overwhelming resistance I had, I am now very grateful.
Moving back home felt both unbelievably fulfilling and painful all at the same time. The polarity in hindsight is uncanny. At one end of the spectrum, I'd met someone, I was welcomed into a beautiful new family, I'd made new friends, travelled many parts of my home country, lived my best life and reunited with many childhood friends and family.
And at the other end, my heart was torn having to let go of who I was, who I was surrounded by, what I was doing, what my environment looked like, and so on.
If we rewind back a little, I was 21 when I left New Zealand (Now 30 years old). I left an upbringing that was in the best way to describe it, a mix of two extremes (I will save that story for another day) I'd gone through a wildly rocky 2 years before leaving, at times it felt so emotionally turbulent I didn't know what to do. I felt unsure and like I needed to walk a different path. In my young mind escaping that uncertainty for a more exciting uncertainty made sense. So pursuing all that Australia had for me was in my best interest, I needed to create a stable emotional ecosystem, build grounded relationships and a create a successful career pathway for myself. I did just that (with tonnes of help of course) and in doing so, changed the whole trajectory of what my life would have looked like if I'd stayed.
However, the attachments I had made to these ideal versions of me, these versions of me that I’d morphed into over 9 years, were very much entangled (without my knowing) into what I felt was my worth.
This epiphany only made its way to my awareness while in the middle of a group coaching session when we dove into worthiness (funny that) And after months of discomfort. I.e. Self-inflicted suffering I learnt that
this was because my definition of success was that things needed to go according to how I thought my life “should” go. And when that didn't happen after moving, I refused to accept it. My decision to not accept the natural rhythm of life was the reason for me feeling like I was a disappointment. I was clinging to everything that I was and had unrealistic expectations hovering over me reminding me of my non-acceptance. The truth was I wasn't accepting ME.
AND to make things even more interesting, in between it all I was adventuring and making memories that were truly magical. How was it that I could be so fulfilled one moment and so low the next? What was this emotional rollercoaster?
It was the critic, the unforgiving, harsh and in-compassionate side of my ego that had no grace for the journey God was taking me on. In saying that, the resistance I felt ironically taught me of what I am capable of today.
Today I can say that I'm learning to be deeply accepting of ME at any stage of my life. I'm re-learning how to be compassionate. I'm letting go and trusting again and because I chose to reach out for help and eventually I gave myself permission to fully experience the unconditional love and support I have around me. (you know who you are)
If we do not learn from knowledge, we inevitably learn from experience.
Here I am today speaking from a place of experience.
I see now that from the disconnect that occurred, a cycle was created. One that only I could choose to break.
I was asked very recently what my authentic self looked like. I’m not sure I would have been able to answer that question a few months ago, but today thanks to swimming in the deep end of change and coming out the other side, I can:
I'm going to bring it back a few steps.
I believe that we are made of Mind, Body, Soul, and Spirit.
Our mind and body = the human self.
The soul and spirit = our true self.
To me the soul is the part of us that chooses the moment in history we enter into, it chooses our parents and the physical environment we are born into because it knows that that time, place, and environment will be perfect for the evolution and growth of their soul. It allows for a deep connection.
To me, the spirit is the essence of who we are, the part of us that is one with God. It is our truest form, our more pure state, and is essentially our wisdom, our inner voice, the home of our authenticity and inner peace.
So in saying that our authentic self is awakened the more we strip back the human conditioning curated over the years and choose to live life through our spirit.
God or Spirit to me, in its simplicity, is Love.
And I think that as we continue to grow and do our best on this journey our authentic selves evolve and grow too.
To me, my authentic self looks like me honouring what feels right to me. Being present helps me experience life authentically. Trusting and surrendering to the highs and lows such as the ones that took place in my journey back home.
I guess in pulling what’s in this mind of mine out from its borders and into this piece of writing I get to witness me, here and now; so do you. Maybe in reading this you might choose more compassion and forgiveness for the more unpredictable parts of your journey. And maybe just maybe you'll muster the courage to swim and enjoy wild adventures of the deep end of change.